In earlier articles, I have highlighted the value of humour in helping people to cope with life’s stresses, adjust to difficult and painful situations and provide us with an inner strength to get through adverse circumstances.

For some time, I have been developing my thinking about the potential benefits of including appropriate, sensitive and compassionate humour in supporting people at a time of distress when they are experiencing grief associated with the loss and sorrow of losing a loved one.

Up to now, I have shied away from doing so as I recognise this is an extremely sensitive, personal and potentially a controversial issue, I’m concerned not to offend or cause hurt or distress as I am very much aware of the emotional sensitivities associated with dying and death.

Introduction - Dying, Death and Grieving

Death to some people is frightening; some individuals have never seen a dead person, let alone being present when a person dies.

Many people, however, are so frightened to think about the end of our lives. They don’t dare to mention it out loud. It could be helpful to most of us to think and talk about bereavement in advance so that we could acclimatise, make us less anxious, consider and confront concerns and fears in advance and not avoid or suppress our anxieties. In the past, talking about dying was often discouraged by medical wisdom. I hope that reading this article will be of value in examining our current mindsets and approach.

Grief and loss of a loved one affects us all at one time or another in our lives. Grief is a normal emotion. It can be experienced as shock, numbness, denial, isolation, anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, despair, emptiness, helplessness, anxiety or fear.

These emotions may not always be seen, but they may be revealed in physical symptoms such as disrupted sleep or not being able to get off to sleep, loss of appetite, tearfulness, lethargy, panic attacks, increased susceptibility to colds and a range of other illnesses.

These responses are normal, and in most instances, don’t last forever. Grief is unique to each person. Everyone will grieve differently and to different degrees, even in the same family. This can impact on relationships and cause additional strain. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no set time or approach. In most instances the symptoms may change as we learn to come to term with our loss.

The feelings of loss can be complicated by difficult relationships, historical issues or the circumstances or suddenness of the loss of a person.

As part of the healing process, most people are able to move on to an acceptance of their loss and return to daily life of work, activities and social circles as our life becomes fuller we are able to fondly remember our loved ones, perhaps, recall times and occasions when we have laughed together without being overwhelmed by our loss and sorrow. Grieving is normal.

I respectfully suggest that appropriate, timely, tasteful, gentle, compassionate, respectful and connecting humour can play its part in being supportive and help in shifting our emotions and mood. It can help us revive and steer us through a sea of darkness, pull our inner resources together and help to mend our feelings of loss and pain and restore our wellbeing.

In my career as a nurse I often felt uncomfortable and inadequate in knowing what to say and how best to respond in a significant and caring way to the feelings and anguish of people experiencing the suffering and pain of losing a loved one. In fact, I still do.

Over time I have learnt from others and have developed my awareness, skills and confidence. However, I still remain uncertain on occasions when reaching out to individuals who are grieving. I remain particularly daunted by how to respond to a person who has been given a terminal diagnosis and is facing death in the foreseeable future. How best can we support and comfort them and their loved ones as they face up to uncertainties of pain, fear, loss of dignity and the aftermath of dying? I intend a specific focus on this in the next magazine.

In preparing this article I have sought the views of others, including people who have recently been bereaved. I have also widely read books and articles written by expert practitioners. This has broadened my awareness and understanding. I have also checked my ideas and beliefs with care professionals who are part of our congregation. This has given me the confidence to share my thinking and suggestions for readers to also consider the important topics of loss, grief and humour.

As I’m getting older, inevitably I’m attending more funeral of contemporaries and others I have known and valued, to pay my respects for the deceased and their families.

The large attendance and nature of the service at my mum’s funeral was immensely reassuring and a forerunner to my revised thinking about the bereavement process and in particular, funerals. Also to ponder, how we can better enable people, who are grieving, with gentle, sensitive humour, to cope with the pain of loss and bring some comfort on the journey of coming to terms with their loss and recovery from acute grief.

So often funerals are solemn, reverential occasions and we are often bound by what’s gone in the past; taboos, tradition and a reluctance to do something different because we might be accused of being frivolous or irreverent. There is a range of philosophies and attitudes to dying which can vary between cultures, faith groups and ages. These include glorification, consolation and being stoic. There are rituals, specific vocabulary and etiquette which has no doubt served us well over the years.

We have been brought up to believe that anything connected to dying has to always be taken most seriously and exclude laughter as it may not be considered to be in keeping with solemnity.

We should learn to give ourselves permission to smile or even laugh in the face of death. I believe opportunities are missed to imaginatively and compassionately celebrate the life of the person and bring to the fore, positive and amusing occasions and fun elements of their personality.

I believe funerals, in many instances should be more than simply mourning the life that has been lost, but also to honour the person and sensitively lighten up with laughter as well as tears. Soft and kind words may not be enough.

Sometimes, we don’t see the importance of laughter in our dark times because we are so blinded by our tears.

I believe that if humour is used appropriately it can help us keep a balance when our world seems to be falling apart, when feeling overwhelmed with misery and hopelessness in our lives. We shouldn’t forget how beneficial it can be during dark times.

In addition, it is asserted by some that we should also learn to take the processes of the end of life care, illness, death and grief less seriously. Laughter in the face of death can provide the same, much needed physical and psychological benefits that laughter gives us at other less harsh, oppressive and unhappy times.

I also read that "Life is too short to concentrate on the dark threads, instead we should look for and celebrate the ones of gold and silver."

Humour at such trying times as serious illness, death and grieving can be of benefit to the person going through the trauma of loss as well as for those around them, i.e. family, friends, colleagues and care-givers.

There is evidence that being open to humour, even in the most sad and solemn situations can help those who are bereaved to stay mentally and physically healthy.

Being overly serious and solemn and not moving on can be harmful. Studies have shown that the immune systems of grieving spouses had reduced the body’s defences against illness and if not addressed can be detrimental to health and cause long term problems.

Therefore, humour and laughter can physically help us and keep our immune systems in balance, to psychologically help us to cope and importantly, help us to communicate at a time when communication is at best difficult and nearly at a standstill.

A Chinese proverb aptly illustrates this, "You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair".

Ideas and approaches I will suggest may not only lighten up our everyday trials and losses but also may prevent those nests from forming. You can grieve for a loss, yet still keep yourself from losing all perspective and retain an appreciation of the good things that remain in your life. Humour may provide a perspective and keep us in balance when life seems out of control and we are experiencing despair.

Happy Endings – Do we make the most of funerals and the opportunity to celebrate lives? Reflections and some ideas to think about.

There are no set rules, we tend to follow tradition and services are often pious and solemn. Different cultures have embedded their specific customs and practices although I have noted a change in attitude and approaches to funerals in more recent times. Frequently families are increasingly dispensing with a church service and holding the service at the crematorium. Perhaps they feel that funerals are sad occasions which might be felt to be devoid of freshness and spontaneity.

Many people believe they can be more than that. However there maybe ideas or alternative approaches which might enhance the occasion. We have all experienced such occasions, not least at Fulwood.

It is advocated that if we can allow or even plan for some lighter moments in the ceremony, it can release pent up emotions. It can be much more a celebration of a life lived than a mourning of a life lost.

If we can find some humour in memorial ceremonies, just as in life itself, it might include both laughter and tears, not just the latter.