I read that after a young man died, one of his friends had the idea to serve pancakes after the funeral, as they had been his mate’s favourite food. The purpose of this was to fondly recall his penchant for pancakes and mix a little sweetness with the bitterness of losing their mate.
A further important option is to set the stage for laughter by incorporating some of the humorous characteristics or incidents in our tributes to them.
A wonderful example of this concerned the service of a much-loved member of the congregation, Tom Atherton, who always had a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous sense of humour. Joyce and I, along with Tom were going to support Wigan Rugby League Club, and on this occasion, we had invited the Revd. John Beardsley to accompany us. Tom was sitting in the back seat of the car and when Mr Beardsley joined us in the front seat, Tom handed him the seatbelt and said "I’ve always wanted to tell a Minister to belt up!"
At my mum’s funeral we started saying goodbyes at the crematorium, which helped to release our sorrow and tears. Immediately afterwards we attended church for an upbeat service which included a montage of photos, showing mum with her many friends, who had enjoyed her humour and wit. In addition, anecdotes recalling her personality were shared. The music was a mixture of her favourite hymns and songs which were both inspirational and highlighted her many qualities and values as a mother. The final jaunty song of ‘She’s a Lassie from Lancashire’ represented her identity and enjoyment of everything Lancashire. This approach of two different services, enabled us to share fond and happy memories of a much - loved lady and friend with light refreshments immediately after the service.
I also read about a chap who chose Elvis Presley singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel’. After the service a lady parishioner said to the vicar that she was appalled by his choice of music. In response the vicar indicated that it wouldn’t have been his choice. However, it was the deceased’s choice and he had to respect that. He added that he would have much preferred the Elvis song ‘Return to Sender!’
It would be inappropriate and wrong to bring false laughter or triviality by telling jokes at a service.
SUMMARY OF THE BENEFITS OF ENABLING HUMOUR
Importantly humour can be a first stage in the longer term healing process.
It can lift our spirits when we are feeling distressed and in despair.
You can grieve for a loss, yet still keep yourself from losing all perspectives or appreciation of the good things that remain in your life.
Humour may help to serve the purpose of taking our minds off our troubles and keep us in balance when life seems distorted.
If used properly and compassionately it can help with feelings of isolation and enable connection with others.
It can be of value in mending our pain and enabling us to adjust and restore our wellbeing.
It can help us get better by enabling us to see the positives when life appears so negative.
It shows people, they don’t need to be blinded by pain and suffering.
It helps in releasing tension and in taking a breather from their intense upset and sadness.
Weeping and feeling depressed is draining – on the other hand, laughter can be energising.
The Irish culture of the wake is a raucous way of taking their minds off their loss. It is said that, "The bereaved, along with their friends, cry all the way to the funeral and laugh all the way to the wake!"
A HAPPY ENDING - NOVEL AND FUN IDEAS TO CONSIDER
Whilst there may
be a concern with some of these ideas being regarding as trivialising the
occasion, others may view them as light hearted initiatives to raise spirits in
keeping with the deceased’s wishes or match their fun personality or enjoyment
of theatre. However, in no way am I suggesting that funerals need to be ‘real
fun’; replacing genuine sorrow with false laughter is indeed foolish.
At some funerals instead of formal eulogies, or as well as, the family and friends also being invited to tell of fond times or amusing incidents they have shared with the deceased. However, I suggest it would be sensible to check with the family in advance.